"In The Soup" is a popular weekly vidcast prepared by the Kraken communications division and distributed from an entertainment portal located on their darknet. A humorous and often snarky summary of goings on in the soup world, it presents information that conscientious Kraken members need to know in a more entertaining format than dry reports or time-sink briefings by superiors. Each episode provides a quick summary of what Kraken members can safely assume that the non-Kraken public knows about events in which Kraken was involved.
Popups containing commentary (this is often where the snarky bits wind up) show up from time to time in the video stream. A highlighted area in the transcript indicates that a popup pointing to what is being described is shown on the screen. Hovering over the highlight should reveal the contents of the popup.
Implication, innuendo, and outright insults occur frequently in episodes. Tasteless and mocking humor is a staple.
WARNING: In addition to the show's insulting style, some of the events of "By Our Limited Human Standards", and some other canon-typical violence, are mentioned in the transcript. There are also scenes of public humiliation, some bad behavior by supervillains, and a couple of indirect references to unsavory supervillain activity. Nothing stronger than you'd find on a network TV crime drama, but if that sort of thing upsets you, you may not wish to read. Highlighted and flagged(⚠) links lead to possibly triggery material; hovering over the flag should reveal what lies underneath. Please consider your tastes and headspace before following.
This episode of "In The Soup" was recorded around the end of the Anything Goes Games disrupted by the Preacherman and his Posse (described in “By Our Limited Human Standards”), which was about a week before the events described in "Berettaflies". The ending of “A River So Long" takes place a couple of weeks after that.
Character descriptions⚠ and background material⚠ have been compiled into separate posts, which can also be reached via links in the transcript.
|Cartoon soup tureen, with wisps of steam rising out of the opening. A streak of lines of the sort that represent wind zooms down from the top of the frame, curlicues around several times, and shoots into the tureen opening, splashing contents out onto the surface it sits on.||(whooshing noises as streak shoots around the frame)|
|Stereotypical cartoon superhero, mask, uniform, and goggles smeared with soup, stands up in the tureen, pulls a handkerchief out of their utility belt, and, looking disgusted, begins to wipe the goggles clean.||Aaaaand – Welcome to this week's episode of "In The Soup", where we tell you everything you really need to know about superheroes, supervillains, and their amaaaaaazing mishaps. Leading off tonight:|
|Panoramic shot of the opening ceremonies for the Anything Goes Games, at the speed-skating oval.||Fun and games in Antarctica;|
|A dark blue Ferrari pulls up in front of a valet parking stand. Mr. Pernicious gets out.||A Pernicious Punking in LA; and|
|Shot of Preacherman and Posse being perp-walked into a courtrooom. Preacherman wears what looks like a full-face motorcycle helmet, garish orange with striking blue, yellow, and black areas.||Super intruders face the Long Arm of the Law!|
|Soup tureen reappears, now labeled "In The Soup!"||Tonight, we are brought to you by:|
|(ZMT logo transitions onto screen.)||ZMT, the pioneer in zetetic mitigation technologies and techniques. Sign up for a visit from ZMT [enthusiastically] today. Or get a visit from SPAZMAT [ominously] later!|
|Snow-covered plain, wind-blown snow apparent, supervillains with Flight descending to an entrance that pops out of the frozen surface, aircraft settling down on the plain, other supervillains emerging and proceeding to the entrance||This week, everyone who's anyone is either watching, attending, or participating in the Anything Goes Games, which returns to its original location at a Secret Antarctic Lair.|
|Reviewing stand inside the lair, Captains wearing their uniforms of state.||Captain Left and Captain Right presided over the Opening Ceremonies at the speed-skating oval.|
|Cut to: Cuthbert skating slowly around oval, holding a torchlike object consisting of AGG logo with a dazzling multicolored ball of light held in the manipulating tentacles. Stops in front of reviewing stand. Redeye comes out of stand, shoots laser past the ball through the space between the manipulating tentacles of a large 3-D replica of the logo, and a dazzling multicolored ball of light appears.||1956 Games favorite Brittany Cuthbert skated onto the oval, to the enthusiastic applause of those fortunate enough to be able to be there. With help from Redeye, the light from the torch was sent to energize the Kraken and start the Games.|
|Sequence of shots featuring outdoor, indoor, and strategy game competition, and some close finishes.||The first couple of days featured the usual quota of suspenseful preliminary events and thrilling competitions, but the excitement level went up a notch on Day Three,|
|Mr. Pernicious, outracing a gathering storm in the background, zooms in for landing over by the other vehicles. Cut to: Preacherman and Posse make an awkward landing, surrounded by fierce swirling gusts, near the leaders of the sled race and the reviewing stand.||when Mr. Pernicious, running late (undoubtedly due to complications with his latest supervillainy), arrived during the sled competition, along with his (snickering) “guests”, The Preacherman and his Posse.|
|Gargantua picks up Charioteer. Cut to: Dr. Infanta and Nanette, facing intruders, some crowd behind them.||The assembled spectators and contestants showed their hospitality by graciously inviting the late arrivals to participate in the games,|
|Gargantua easily tears armor off outside of Duck halves. Redeye laser-cuts pieces into man-sized and -shaped targets. Facanapa creates bullseye targets on the pieces of armor, the bottoms of the Duck halves, and the exterior of the Chariot of the Lord. Dvorak opens up the engine compartment of the Duck, pulls out a bunch of stuff. Quick cut to: Joystick drives his sled out of the secret entrance, Dvorak sitting on top of a pile of stuff on the sled, and going out to the area of the plain where the wrecked halves of the Duck have wound up.||and thanking them for bringing some equipment along to enliven the competition. A little quick work by some of the folks on hand for the competition, and a bit of impromptu super-gizmology, gave the entrants in the super-snowball competition|
|Targets moving back and forth along a 20-meter path, just in front of the Duck pieces, linked by a chain that passes around some large toothed wheels. Every so often, a snowball hits one of the targets and knocks it over; when that happens, one of the Posse dashes out from behind the Duck halves (being used downrange as cover) and pushes the target back up, while another Posse member runs out and retrieves the snowball, putting it in a bin off to one side of the Duck half. Occasional loud clunk when a stray snowball nails a Duck half.||a whole bunch of new, exciting targets for the elimination round, in the freshly created and brand new for this year life-size carnival shooting gallery!|
|Chariot of the Lord being "flown" on a looping path over the wrecked Duck pieces, occasionally getting hit with a resounding clang! Cut to: long-range view of the snowball competition field, with marching targets and Duck pieces in foreground, Chariot flying overhead, and spectators about 1km downrange. Whenever a snowball thrown at the Chariot misses, one of the downrange spectators flies up to catch it, or dashes off with super-speed to catch it in a net, or performs some other superpowered feat to attempt to catch the snowball. Successful supervillains transfer their caught snowballs to pouches.||The audience even got into the act, going deep to shag snowballs thrown by the contestants who weren't able to nail the highest-value target in the competition.|
|Preacherman and Posse struggle against wind, apparently being marched rather than voluntarily moving, to a transport aircraft. Cut to: Mr. Pernicious, followed by several severe-looking Marionettes, heads over to his aircraft, gives a derisive wave to the folks who have followed him over there, closes the hatch, and flies off.||But all too soon, it was time for Mr. P. and his friends to go their separate ways. Of course, that was merely the beginning of their travails.|
|Aerial view from a drone circling around a large Bel Air mansion, with extensive manicured grounds featuring several monumental pieces of overdone sculpture and junky-looking "modern art", and a large pool located near a separate residence.||Last week, Mr. Pernicious made a pleasure jaunt to LA, staying at the home of his Very Close Personal Friend Mark Crowe⚠,|
|Zooms in on: a dozen or so young people of various sexes around the pool, scantily dressed in "swimwear" designed more for arousal than swimming. Crowe and Pernicious, in more conventional swim trunks, stretched out on chaises longues, are talking with each other.||and (leering a bit) Enjoying the Scenery before hopping into the car he keeps in Crowe's spacious garage, to venture out and apply his discerning taste to the evaluation of some of the area's best cuisine and culture.|
|Dark blue low-slung car pulls up in front of valet stand. Mr. Pernicious gets out.||It seems Mr. P. was relying on the inconspicuousness conferred by the judicious application of wealth to one's presentation. But some of the valets at La Dolce Vita may have a bit more free time on their hands, and access to a prop store, than their employers anticipated!|
|Mr. Pernicious' car pulls up in front of valet stand, followed closely by a mockup of the Chariot of the Lord built around a motorized scooter, a valet dressed as The Preacherman at the controls. A valet dressed as The Charioteer gets out of the car. Mr. P. is visibly distressed.||We can't imagine Mr. P. was too thrilled when his ride was brought around after dinner.|
|Señor Gaucho⚠ gallops through the entry to the parking lot, slings his bola to drop the valet dressed as The Preacherman, and lassos the valet dressed as The Charioteer. He then takes a bow in Mr. P's direction.||Not only that, but (snickering) Señor Gauche-o, in town for a cameo appearance and believing the Preacherman and Posse to be at large, galloped to the rescue, further adding to the hilarity. Mr. P. was (dripping with sarcasm) No Doubt Thrilled, and properly grateful, for the timely rescue.|
|As the car pulls away from the valet stand, a Duck, garishly decorated with "See the Homes of the Stars!" and larger-than-life-size face shots of local celebrities, pulls in behind and follows. He steps hard on the gas, runs a light turning red, and makes a hard right at the intersection beyond that. Cut to: driving down a major street; another brightly colored Duck pulls out of an alley and he is again being tailed. This one has a quickly printed Mr. Pernicious face shot in the celebrity lineup. He repeats getaway maneuver, smoke swirling around screeching rear wheels.||And I don't think the escort he got on the way over to the Echoplex for the midnight concert headlined by Dr. Laser and the Nocturnal Emissions was what he was hoping for, either.|
|Mr. Pernicious' car, pulled over to side of street. LAPD cruiser behind it with lights flashing. Officer leaning in curbside window, ticket book in hand, talking into car.||Oops! Well, I guess the police escort showed up after all! Yes, Mr. P., there's no doubt at all that you have really wound up In The Soup!|
|(El Trece logo in corner of frame) Argentinian customs officials stand at quayside while a container ship is moored. Cut to: a crane hoists a shipping container off the ship and sets it down in front of the officials. Cut to: shipping documents being removed from a weatherproof pouch on the container as customs official opens the latch.||Meanwhile, a (gravely) Mysterious Message of Unknown Origin "strongly encouraged" Argentinian Customs officials to "quickly investigate" the contents of a shipping container aboard the Azores-registered M.V. Sol de Oro as it arrived at the Port of Buenos Aires after its journey from Sydney.|
|Local police, arms at ready, motion with guns as Preacherman and Posse stagger out onto dock area. Severely dented Chariot, with target marks on it fading, can be seen at back of container.||Opening the container revealed Our Heroes and the Chariot of the Lord, all noticeably the worse for wear, along with a disk of video clips of their Antarctic misadventures. But wouldn't you think they'd be happy to wind up In The Soup after a Bracing Sea Voyage?|
|Closeup on sheet of business letterhead, plainly showing ZMT logo and some of the letter text.||Well, maybe not... In addition to the disk and the shipping manifest, the pouch on the container included a sheet on ZMT letterhead reading, “These folks needed rescuing when they crash-landed during our Polar Environment Field Trials. Sorry about the collateral damage!”|
|ZMT incident response team, attired in protective suits, enters a nondescript office building with a BANG team providing cover. Cut to: internal shot of empty zetetics lab. Incident response team is carefully examining the typical equipment and controls.||The address of origin on the manifest was circled in red, and marked, "Hey, check this out! But be careful." A raid on the Sydney address uncovered a clandestine zetetics facility with many standard safety precautions poorly implemented and others completely neglected. A search for the lab operators has so far yielded no results.|
|Stock footage: helicopter shot of a medium-size, forbidding-looking prison, several decades old. Caption at bottom, El Trece logo in caption background, reads: "Centro de Detención para Superpodereros" above "Puerto Argentino, Is. Malvinas"||Meanwhile, the intrepid voyagers are currently enjoying the hospitality of the Argentinian government on an Island Vacation in sunny Puerto Argentino while the Argentinian, Australian, and US governments sort out who will have the pleasure of dealing with which of the pending charges,|
|Preacherman (cuffed and shackled, in helmet), Charioteer (cuffed behind his back, with hands enclosed in thumbless mittens), and Posse (shackled, cuffed in front) being perp-walked from airplane toward prison van.||including Unsafe Operation of an Aircraft, Interference with Emergency Responders, Non-Consensual Mind Control, and Assault with Deadly Intent with Reckless Discharge of a Firearm. Civil actions may also be pending.|
|Announcer at news desk. Screen in background displays sequence of AGG higlights; cuts to Officer Pink stepping in between two arguing teens and trying to calm down the more demonstrative one.||After the break: more highlights from the Anything Goes Games, and another bully finds out why hassling Officer Pink is a good way to wind up In The Soup!|
Three weeks later:
|Very tight close-up of book cover, focusing on the portion of the title that reads "vs. Cranquienne". Pull back to view scene of a Spectrum team wearing dexflan jumpsuits and capery, weapons drawn, breaking in to a stereotypical zetetics lab staffed by the usual collection of workers wearing white lab coats and with guards, weapons also drawn, taking cover behind furniture.||Available in bookstores now! Ripped from Today's Headlines: “Spectrum vs. Cranqienne 2: Butterflies In His Stomach”. Already a Best-Seller, and Soon to be a Major Motion Picture. Order today!|
|Announcer at news desk.||Here's an update from a recent story on the interruption of ZMT's Polar Environment Field Trials by the Preacherman and his Posse. The Argentinian Government acceded to the US Ambassador's request for extradition, and they will face trial on all criminal charges in U.S. District Court in Kansas City. Civil actions have been assigned to the District Court of Victoria, Australia.|
|Screen in background displays a stock sequence shot from in front of Leavenworth||The Preacherman and Posse have been transferred to the soup wing at the Leavenworth Federal Penitentary and held on $100,000 bail each pending the outcome of the trial.|